The Masquerade

Life becomes so monotonous. The daily routines of it drag on for which seems forever. The things in life that formerly evoked emotions of joy and happiness barely make my heart speed up. My prison cell is a 9 x 10 room of white plaster walls, on which hang my loves and passion. Though the walls are filled there is nor would there ever be enough room for you. For in this prison I mentally dig lines into the walls making my fingernails bare and worn down marking the amount of time that we have been separated and apart. It feels like years but yet the time has passed by so slowly and it has only been months when decades are more appropriate.

I lay awake in my bed daydreaming of what you are doing. Futile attempts are pervasive as I try to mold the perfect picture of what truly is happening in your day-to-day life. This fear that grips my mortal soul rips the paint brush out of my hands and in the midst of my creation begins to paint its own masterpiece of what is happening in the reality in which I exist. Why must this be so hard? The one thing that I have done negative in your eyes is to have held on. That act has left a black streak as long as your eyes can see. It cannot fade no matter how hard I must cleanse it. Can we not be humans together and forgive and forget the total past that forces us to elude the will of One so much more powerful than ourselves. Are we blind to see it? Are we foolish to ignore it, or are we just more inclined to give in to the fleshly desires of the earth?

Encouraging words fall on deaf ears as I stand here in the dark corner of this masquerade ball. In my safe position I stare out at the crowd amassed in front of me as they move in unison portraying something so choreographed that the perfection is seen in every detail. Fear beckons me to stay where I am. For I am told not to move, I am pressed on every side to remain in sync with the world that is twirling around me. Nothing in this weary body is even beckoned to begin to step out and begin that fateful dance. I know where my position is. This corner has become my home. This dark feeling of loneliness and the ever watchful state has become my ruse. These two blank walls have become my companion as I stand watch hoping for the music to stop. But nothing changes. As you are twirled and dipped in front of me my mind wants to believe that your partner is a certain person. But yet I am wrong. I have been fooled by jealousy. A jealousy so gripping that it forces my jaw to clench and my teeth to wear away helplessly against each other. This has become my home and my stronghold. This mask that everyone here has become my disguise hiding the facts of what truly lies underneath.

Softly and in a faint whisper my heart pleads with my head and begs to know if this will forever be my state. A bystander as this awful dance is played out in front of me. Everyone including yourself have become hypnotized and exude an attitude of joy with every note that is played. But could this just be a misleading, false face that you put on. You have moments where you slightly turn your eyes in my direction. Hope begins to shove its way invisibly through the crowd but cant force itself through. It clamors and shoves against all opposition and right before he is able to greet me with a hug of that of an old friend, in the midst of your dance he is tripped by your outstretched leg as you continue to twirl. Defeated he crawls away in pain.

But with just the sight of the fight that he put up a new feeling arises in my soul. It breaks through every cut and bruise on my heart. It rips open the false stitches I have placed on every wound that I hold on to. It heals them to stronger than ever. It is so difficult to put into words how I feel in my corner. What was so comfortable now causes me pain. There is no solace here. These walls that I thought were my friends now stand as the only thing holding me up, and yet maybe that is all that they were good for. Maybe all they did was to prop up my weary body so that you could not see how weak my body was. Before this dance I was always a fighter, but now without you I almost am forced to give up. But this feeling inside invades every portion of my body. As if something from above has been unwillingly placed inside of my very being. It covers all the memories of a different life that I have held. Past cravings seem to fall off like tattered rags and as soon as they hit the floor are consumed by fire. Pain now is in control.

An unfamiliar sensation sweeps down my chin underneath my mask. As the tear drops off my chin and hits the floor it is as if the dictators that control the mood and feelings in the room raise the volume on their terrible song. Everyone in the room turn to see the spectacle, everyone except for you and your partner. The mood in the room changes. The music stops but you continue to dance. You continue yourself to be lead around the room aimlessly hypnotized as you continue the music in your mind.

The entirety of the room turns in my direction to see the spectacle that is unfolding in front of their very eyes as they hide behind their masks. But yet this feeling that has consumed my body like wildfire now feels like hot coals on my face. The spectacle continues in the grandest of forms with my body dropping to its knees as the pain from this mask becomes overwhelming. I claw at it, trying to stop the burning but nothing sooths the pain. This angel from my nightmares now appears as a guide behind me. Softly encouraging me to continue through this trial by fire. My energy is fleeting from my hands and arms. But through the aching pain I strain to accomplish one final task. With every ounce left in my defeated body I rip the mask right off my face. The awe sends shockwaves through the room. Gasps of shock are heard throughout the crowd amassed. But you still continue to dance though I lay on the floor finally free from this mask. For it is me that everyone is truly beginning to see. This cancer has finally left my body and with every breath I take free from its grasp my strength is silently expounded upon. I stand on my feet, disheveled, bruised, and beaten as if I have just lost a prize fight on the grandest of stages. I skip the thoughts of brushing myself or straightening my disheveled state for there is no need. Everyone is finally seeing me for who I am, open, raw, and exposed. There is not a word spoken, not a movement made except for you. You continue your seemingly never ending dance.

Steps overtake my feet and this feeling is finally recognized as unyielding determination. I feel as if I am that dark night wit dented, charred, and scratched armor as he begins his fateful walk toward the monster that awaits him. With no guarantee of my reward I continue on. With no promise of fame I trudge on like an innocent man walking towards the hang mans noose. Death of my heart and its crushing state is the only thoughts that try to break through my focus. As I approach I feel expectant of whom I will see as your partner. In my closing in on your dance murmurs begin to travel like a rushing river through the crowd gathered. But you continue to dance.

Moving closer my eyes now free of its former cover have been drawn to the fact that you are chained to this partner. With the bravery of a soldier in combat staring his enemies in front of him as he looks down the barrel of a loaded gun, I attack and rip off the mask of your partner. I feel as if I know who it will be but suddenly the face that I see and had expected to see slowly metamorphoses into a terrifying beast. But you continue to dance as you gaze into his eyes, unshaken by this horrible sight. I realize I have seen this very beast in my own life as I have danced before. I know this beast all to well. I also know his weakness, but yet the key to the chains that bind you to him is dangling from your neck, hanging over top of your heart. This beast snarls his teeth into an intimidating smile as if to mock me. The crowd continues its gaze. They have seen me and become accustomed to a certain role that I play at this ball. They know how I have acted in the past and expect it from me in the near future.
I try to push you two apart and do everything in my power to gain your attention. I pray for a miracle to occur to pull your gaze away from this beast. But Fear is unrelenting in his grasp of you. And still you continue to dance. I think of no way to separate you but I must wait for you to separate and loosen those chains that bind you.

For the time being I push my way through the crowd to come behind you. The crowd is amazed at what they see but they do no realize I do not do it for their benefit, praise, or admiration. Some try to pull me away from what I am about to try to do. But their attempts are futile for I know what my quest and goal is. Slowly and softly I place my arms on top of yours. I grasp a hold of Fear on top of your hands. For if I cannot be the one to be your partner I will dance with you as you dance with Fear. I will hold you up when your toes are stepped on and you stumble. I will be that support. Unrelenting in my quest to be with you. I feel the skin drip off my hands as Fear blows his sweet fiery breath in your direction. For I know that it will be more painful for you in the long run to be struck by it.

The ball does not continue. People are no longer desiring of a masquerade. One by one they leave. The music does not make a parade of their exit. Slowly the crowd dwindles till there are only four people in the room. You, myself, Fear, and my old friend Hope. Hope approaches slowly but resilient in his track. Un shaken from the looks of dismay that Fear brings. Hope binds himself to me and enters my own body.

A warm feeling passes through my jacket and hits my skin. Again it hits and the tears are there. You reach for the key but freeze and grasp Fear again tighter than ever. But with its grasp my grasps remains. Not pulling you from fear but moving along with you in this awful dance. For I will not let you face this alone but will continue to be that dark knight. That silent guardian, that ever watchful protector. There to encourage, support, uplift, and if necessary lead. But until that day I remain where I am.

And you continue to dance…