The Mirror of the Soul

Tonight I sit, raw and exposed. The very being of who I am sitting across from me in the mirror. I see the immense depravity of my soul. There is a hand that rests on my shoulder. It’s the hand of a giant, weighing down on my very being as if to go as far as to burden my soul. It is as if it represents all my hopes dreams and ambitions resting upon my shoulders. It is what guides me in life, though I wish it didn’t. I wish I could remove myself from its terrorizing grasp and free myself from its bonds. I feel as if I am a slave to this giant hand, this faceless enemy. As I stare into my eyes I see something. A glimmer, a quick reflection as if a burst of light has suddenly reflected from my eye. It gives me hope as I stare into this gateway into my soul. I see the pain and the distant fleeting memories of the past almost as if it was a miniature playback of my life. It doesn’t dwell on the pain of the past but speeds through it and continues on towards something. And then I see events that have yet to occur. I see myself living out the dreams and calling on my life. I see myself in front of thousands of teenagers, I see myself once again strollin the halls of congress, I see myself at the front of a church altar in my uniform, I see myself in combat holding a soldier who is about to enter eternity and I am comforting him in every way I know how as if to command hope from a hopeless situation. And as I continue to watch this beautiful three part theatrics play out on the stage of the unknown the weight and pressure of that hand begins to lift. I see the wanting and desire of the immoral things begin to drift slowly from my eyes and a new feeling floods in. Excitement fills the cavaties in my face and a new wave of emotion over takes me. And suddenly I realize I am staring into a mirror, just a regular old mirror that is reflecting my image. Startled by this image of myself and the honest and real look into how my mind is operating now I continue on with my journey. To become the person you must be you must remember who you were. This thought plays over and over in my mind and I am reminded of how much of a cocky ingrate I was and in some ways still am. Yet, I feel that in every human being there lies this desire to somehow create a “bad Ass” side…pardon the French. My problem has now become one of how do I quell this side of me and put these emotions under submission and authority and create a side that all men are willing to know and understand. I feel that I have in some ways done this…but I am left to ponder how I did this. I pray for humility but in doing so I am overtaken with a sense of fear. Fear that the process of humbling myself will be too painful and I will not have the audacity and the courage to continue on with the molding and shaping of who I am suppose to be. The process isn’t easy and in the hardship of the process I know that pain will come out. No one in their right mind asks to be put into the refiners fire. It causes pain and forces the chaff and flaws to be worked out. But that’s what I desire, the pursuit of perfection. I want my only fear in life to be the fear of being average. Average has no place in my life nor should it. As I continue in this walk I must come to the realization that I have a dark side, a prideful side, a sinful side and learn how to reel it in and bring it under submission. I must face it head on with a boldness and that glimmer of hope lingering in my eye as I pursue change. That is the only way to live, one day at a time pursuing the betterment of myself no matter what the cost….no matter what the cost.