The Beckoning of the Flesh

As I sit here tonight I see how much my ongoing struggle to beckon the flesh under control and submission to a higher authority much like the night that I am presently in. The light gives way to the darkness and the darkness rules the night. It hides those who wish not to be seen. It gives way to ideas and thoughts and conceals them in mystery and yet it is darkest right before the dawn. It has a grand breaking point. There is a point in which the darkness can no longer rule. Dawn gives way and a new light beckons into existence and reveals that which is in the darkness. At first it is weak as it climbs over the mountains and soon sweeps into the valleys with force and determination to rule the day. The darkness cannot win. But yet even during the day darkness is still prevalent. Shadows hide the light from certain areas. But those shadows can only be seen by those who wish to find shelter from the piercing burning nature of the light. In my own life it was dark, so very dark that no man could see what I wish to be hidden. But yet my darkness fell. It was crushed by a piercing penetrating light that no act nor deed could hide from. It was as if I wished the light to come in. I begged it to produce and reveal that which was hidden. But yet shadows remain. Inside those shadows are opportunities to fall and fail again. But it is not overpowering. It is not commanding. It is not stronger than the light. In those shadows I know exists pleasure. But the beauty of the shadows is one of peace. My acts now are only mere shadows and dust, not physical consequence to my decisions. The beauty of the shadows is that I must seek them out. And if I desire to stay in the light there is no need to search out the shadows. The darkness of the shadows will not find me but I must find it. I must search them out. In finding these shadows presents a flaw in my character. It shows that I wish not to truly live in the light as God has commanded me to. But soon I am again overwhelmed by darkness. Though it is not safe I have found to stay in the moonlight. Beethoven got it right in his moonlight sonata. Though it begins dark and forboding, it leaves the listener with a sense of hope in the darkness. Though there is darkness all around the music still plays and draws me forward. Even on the darkest night the moonlight presents a safehaven to walk and travel through so that the darkness does not win. Even in my darkest times a light is still there offering protection and guidance even in the darkest of conditions. Though the shadows are more prevalent, I choose to stay in the light as my guide. And the moonlight is not the only light that prevails. There are streelights that serve to guide me. These streetlights are friends and family that encourage me to press on and stay in that glorious light. Then I have my flashlight to guide me even when I have backed myself in a shadow controlled enviroment. Gods words serves as that light in these dark situations. Through this time in these dark periods my eyes begin to adjust to the darkness. I can see through it. I can see through its lies and obstacles that wish to trip me up and force me to fail again. I feel stronger with every day. And when I feel that I cannot continue in this darkness I can lie down and rest in the light. As suddenly as it started the darkness ends and a light breaks through. The nights do not seem as long and foreboding as they once were, but they bring hope and grace. Even in the dark times I have learned to search out that guiding light. And that guiding light is my salvation in the truth of Jesus Christ.
Even the mouths of fools brings about wisdom. In my favorite movie a line is quoted “In all the gin joints in all the towsn in all the world she walks into mine.” And that’s how this whole story started. It all revolved around a girl and a ignorant decision to follow love no matter what the cost to my heart and soul. I placed the feeling of love and being wanted over the direction I was supposed to be headed. But yet a man whom I admire once quoted a line from the dead poets society “Carpe Diem…seize the day, make your life extraordinary.” I entered this struggle a youngter and I plan to leave a man. Though a woman tore me down I still have my heart. I have the heart of a warrior. I always have. I have always fought for what I thought was the best for me and what was right. I have stood for justice and desired what would push me ahead. I have set lofty goals. When I began drinking I did not pay good money for for company I paid it to profit in the death of the thoughts that controlled me and pushed me along. And now my warrior mentality will help me win this fight against the devil. I will emerge victorious, even if it is the last thing I do. If it is it will be a soldiers end. I will have died with my boots on. I will have ended my life fighting for my soul…fighting for the betterment of something that is yet to come…fighting for victory. Every morning I wake up I smell it. I love the smell of napal in the morning. You know, napalm. That gasoline smell it gives off after it explodes. That smell, it’s the smell of victory. I Love that smell every morning because I am not left saying I could have been a contender, I could have been somebody, instead of what I am…a bum. I am left saying that I will win, I am a warrior. After all tomorrow is another day.